Saturday, August 27, 2011

Not-So-Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Where do you get inspiration?
A: Meerkats.

Q: You're really weird, aren't you?
A: Yes. And it's just going to get weirder from here.

Q: Describe your typical day.
A: Wake up. Count back the days from last shower. It's really weird; I usually wake up with an obnoxious song, completely of my own creation, running through my head. With words and melody and everything. Then, two seconds later, I totally forget it. I could have a career as a failed songwriter. Anyway. Take 30 minutes longer than it takes anyone else to get ready. The reason for this is that between the toothbrushing/bedmaking/trying to find something that is even a distant cousin to clothing, I have to stop and do something random. Actually, that's the case of my whole life.

Q: Like what?
A: Annoy someone by singing "Baby," perfecting some sort of Russian/Spanglish/valley girl accent, untangling a necklace I will probably never wear (I have SO much jewelry that I never wear, I swear I could set up my own store by now), asking my mother WHY she is texting when she should be making breakfast, doing a dance from High School Musical...the list goes on.

Q: If there was a movie of your life, what would it be?
A: Well, for starters, I wouldn't be in it. I would pick some adorable actress to play me, and I would play the spectacular part of "Sir Not Appearing in This Movie." (A gold star to anyone who knows that reference.) And there would be seahorses. Lots of them. And of course, there would be an awesome song and dance number at the end, preferably to "Time of My Life" with some strapping hunk-and-a-half-who-also-has-a-brain dancing around with me, and always ready to catch me when I run and jump into his arms.

Q: What song do you always rock out to?
A: Oh, that's easy. "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen. I remember one time my friend and I were in a hotel room in New York City, and the beds came with these silver snakeskin pillows that were about as long as guitars. We began to jump on the amazingly fluffy beds, and at one point I began to "play" the pillow as if it was a guitar. (I play fake guitars a lot. Perhaps I should learn the real guitar.) And then I started smashing the pillow on the bed, like I was smashing my guitar. This was also accompanied by real hair-flips from my friend and failed hair-flips from me. Seriously, I CAN'T flip my hair. It just refuses to go down. If I try to flip it, it just trickles lamely down around my face.

Q: I've heard you're rather smart. Could you do X-Y-Z of homework for me, and in German because it's for German class, and turn it in by 3:15 PM tomorrow because that's when it's due?
A: Contrary to popular belief, I can hardly keep up with my own homework, and starting over with someone else's is about as appealing to me as sitting on an ice cold desert peak while wearing socks three sizes too big while being surrounded by a pack of bloodthirsty mongooses who are angry because I ate their supply of WheatGerm. So...sorry, but no.

Q: Describe your homework process.
A: Sit down at desk/computer. Vow not to get distracted. Sing an inspirational song in my head ("Let's go Emily, let's go!" *clap clap clap*). Look up videos of cute animals playing drums. Start outline of English paper. Stop to kiss dog's nose. Eat snack. Try to plan outfit for the next day. Realize I forgot crucial book/pencil/bit of paper/dandelion seed, without which I cannot do homework. Manage to spit up words/math problems/pieces of chocolate onto the paper. Realize how much homework I still have left to do. Get "Runaround Sue" stuck in head. Sing it out loud, but realize I only know two words, so most of the song consists of "Da da da da daaaaaa, whoaaaaa wa wa whoaaaaaa." Whine vigorously. Spit up more words/math problems/chocolate. Grumble happily. Reward self with traditional rockout and cookie. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Q: How do you handle your social life and what is it like?
A: Social life?

Q: Um...let me rephrase. Do you HAVE a social life?
A: I not only do not have one, I am not even familiar with the concept.

Q: Can I be in the movie of your life?
A: I thought we discussed this earlier. The movie, I mean. Someone's quite unorganized today. Anyway, yes, you can. In fact, you can be anyone but me. The role of "me" I am reserving for That Adorable Actress Who Everyone Loves But Whose Name Escapes Me At the Moment.

Q: Who is your greatest role model?
A: Probably my parents. They help me with stuff, as well as being so kind as to make my lunch for me. I am...lunchily challenged. Plus they actually make sense, unlike me.

Q: If you were stuck on a deserted island, what would you have with you?
A: I've always thought this question was dumb. I mean, if I KNEW I was going to be stuck on a deserted island, I obviously wouldn't GET stuck on one. Duh. I'm not going to say food and water, because that's obvious. Well...probably my friends. And a radio, even though a deserted island wouldn't have reception. The reason I would have my friends is because we are all such geniuses that we would be able to figure out a way to get off that freaking island in no time.

Q: Are the characters in your stories based on people you know?
A: Psh. No. Why would you even ask?

Q: Do you think zombies will come?
A: No. No. No. And again, no.

Q: But what if they did?
A: I would die. Seriously. When I see movies like Harry Potter, it always blows my mind that these people are so brave in this danger. Like, if I was with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, I would be no help at all. Because instead of using the clever Expelliarmus charm to kill Voldemort, I would shriek "AHHHHHH! HE HAS NO NOSE!" and run screaming in the opposite direction, scattering helpless pedestrians as I went.

Q: Would you like to be my friend?
A: The more friends, the better. I am a very easy person to make friends with. Usually I make a huge faux pas, though, by saying something like "What's your name?" to a random person and scaring them off forever. But yeah. Of course. Be my friend. By the way, what's your name?

Q: Do you have a fake eye?
A: No. It would be funny to have one, though the circumstances under which I would have to GET one would probably not be so funny. But I could scare people by popping it out at random moments, or sticking it in a glass of water and shoving it in people's faces. Like Mad-Eye Moody. Although he turns out to be that gross guy Barty or whatever, and it's sad because you don't find out what he's actually like as a teacher. He reappears, but just to, like, hustle Harry around. It's sad.

Q: What is your life like?
A: Random. Funny. Strange. Less than glamorous. Crazily awesome.

Q: Any last words?
A: What, you're gonna kill me? Oh, right. The questions are ending. Got it. Time for bed.

Bye! :D